To process your emotions without ruminating on them, you have to acknowledge your personal ghosts and demons first. How else can you fight them?
We were born, raised, and learned how to suppress emotions. For decades.
Little girls were kind of allowed to cry, but boys just didn’t escape the “Boys don’t cry” and “Get over yourself”, “Put yourself together” or “be a man, now”… And so on and so on…
I mean: I’m a woman and I don’t remember, as a girl being allowed to make scenes out of the home. And that’s fine by me. On one side, this was good. Sure learned how to control me.
But control your feelings doesn’t mean you have to suppress them. And in case you’re so damn good at doing it, for so many years of training, doesn’t mean is mentally healthy: at some point, you going to pay the due. Unless you are the only exception.
1. Suppressed Feelings And Emotions
Suppressed feelings are like a small wrap of hair in the house plumbing: once in a while, some dirt attaches to it and a small ball of dirt grows to be a big ball of dirt… that eventually will clog the pipes: and then you have a mess.
That’s what happens with suppressed feelings: they clog you. Whether you get emotionally stuck or you get too overwhelmed and have disproportioned reactions to things - sometimes the results are dramatic: pain for you, pain for the ones you relate to. Damage. Particles all over.
Ignoring or suppressing your feelings and emotions, very often leads to deregulated behaviors like overeating, drinking too much, shutting people out of your life, or being too aggressive.
It is better to face them and understand them. Even the ugly and uncomfortable ones.
But then again if you were trained to suppress feelings and clog emotions, how the hell are you going to learn how to control them if you don’t even recognize them? Don’t know where they come from?
Is kind of fighting ghosts and intangible demons.
2. Fighting Ghosts And Demons In The Subconscious Mind
The problem with the ghost and demons is that normally they are in the subconscious mind. Are part of the program. Is an auto pilot. They have an emotion attached.
“Thoughts are the language of the brain, emotions are the language of the body” - Joe Dispenza
Your body knows that emotion so well- is autopilot, it rules – even before your rational mind has processed it, your body is already reacting.
Let me put a parenthesis here with an alert: these are meant to be clues on small habits you can add to your weekly routine to improve your relationship with yourself. Tips.
If somehow, you believe that your life is out of control due to trauma or some mental condition that is affecting your relationship with yourself or with others, in a sever way: please consider to get professional help so you can deal with whatever stress endured on a long period of time, that you might being submitted to.
This said, let us continue.
In your childhood, you learned that if you touch something hot you can burn yourself. And that’s a good thing you’ve learned, probably you have some fear of hot stuff, but it still serves you that fear: you know that you have to protect the hand when you have to pick up something possibly very hot.
It’s automatic, is autopilot. It’s in the program. It’s in the subconscious. And is useful learning.
But face another situation: let’s suppose your parents always compared you and your/brothers &sisters, to induce good behavior by manipulation. It’s very normal: someone is always a role model to someone.
The problem might happen in the circumstances, the way you engraved that emotional pattern. If it involves negative emotions. Suppose you were the role model child: you’ll probably never allow yourself to fail. You’re going to be very demanding with yourself.
That might be a good thing: you‘ll always give your best. But it might be a bad thing if you associate attempt and failure to humiliation (if that was the way you saw your progenitors punish the non-role-model child).
On the other hand, if you were not the role-mode-child, there’s a possibility of developing some people-pleaser facet, once that’s what you had to develop as a child, to earn some affection and not being disapproved by mom/dad. You just want to make everybody happy so you won’t have to face poor judgment.
Just an example. Of course, you grow, you challenge yourself: some of your “input programs” are worth and builds your character.
But some things don’t serve you anymore. And the things/values that don’t serve you, you should let go of them.
If those values/preconceptions undermine your self-esteem, you should let go of them.
And what is said here is self-esteem: is not ego talking, ahamkara (word in Sanskrit for the ego), or the story you tell yourself to convince others of some projected image. We’re talking about self-love.
You’re allowed to try and fail and do it again, without feeling miserable because “what would your parents say…”. Sometimes the ghost is there, you just don’t acknowledge it.
It’s automatic, is autopilot. It’s in the program. It’s in the subconscious.
You’re allowed to say “NO” and have no need to please everybody, just to receive, in exchange, some crumbs of affection. Your parents had the moral obligation to educate you. Probably loved you. Did the best they could, in whatever situation they were in.
In your adult life, you might cross with people with no moral obligations towards you, to educate or love you: the only thing they’ll do is use this facet of people-pleasing that you might have developed. And it might not serve your best. Sometimes the ghost is there, you just don’t acknowledge it.
It’s automatic, is autopilot. It’s in the program. It’s in the subconscious.
These were just examples to tell you that some values – or undervalues in this case – that you hold on to, may define the way you respond to the outer world, to others. And might be compromised by the way you perceive (poorly) yourself.
If some values no longer serve you. Get rid of them. If they fragilize you inside, make you feel less of a person: they don’t serve you anymore.
You have to find ways to do things that improve your feelings about yourself, and that reinforce your good perception -of yourself. Consumerism is not an option. Cosmetic effects or, cosmetic appendices, work for a few days: but it doesn’t last.
Investing in yourself is a valuable option.
Otherwise, those under-written values will literally undermine you, sabotage you.
That’s why you should work on ways to process your emotions.
3. Process Your Emotions And Called Them By The Name
Your emotions are often caused by your thoughts, and this was discovered by scientists. This means that people exposed to the same situation may feel distinct emotions (emotional reactions), simply because they have different thoughts.
For instance, a couple of friends pass by a gothic-styled person, all dressed in black.
One rejoices for it reminds his teenage phase when he was part of a gothic group, and those were days that he associates with a good friendship, people that backed up each other. The other one instantly feels terribly sad, because he associates the black color with the funeral of one of his favorite people in the world: and that loss was very traumatic.
When your emotions are triggered, your brain communicates with your body through the neurological system. As you experience an emotion your brain changes your body: if you are angry or afraid, heart-beat and breath tend to speed up. If you’re feeling sad, you might start to cry. Your body responds - emotions are physical.
Processing your emotions is not a one-day task. But it can be done. Must be done.
You can check for more details on the link but these are the Four Stages to process your emotions and there are some questions you must ask yourself and answer.
There’s one thing you have to understand: although your emotions come from you, they do not define you. You are a person that is experiencing some emotions.
You’re more than that.
You’re more than a moment of anger or any other negative feeling you might have at a point.
Especially because you have the capability of overcoming them.
“The best weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another” - Jordan Peterson
One way to help you reframe your thoughts and emotions is by rephrasing them. Feeling anxious does make you a weak person, as well as feeling fear, doesn't make you a coward person. So:
Instead of saying that:
Replace by saying that:
I am an angry person
I am a sad person sad
I am a jealous person
I am a failure
I am feeling angry at this moment;
I am feeling sad at this moment
I am feeling jealous right now
I am experiencing a failure
4. What Home-Making Tools Can You Use To Process Your Emotions?
Exercise: Label Your emotions.
Daily before sleeping, write down 4 emotions that you’ve felt along the day. Just four. That exercise only. Helps you to acknowledge your feelings.
For instance, during the day you recalled that one of your sons, nephews, had a tender gesture. You felt loved and grateful. Right it down "love & gratefulness".
Someone sent you a message the made feel joy. Write down the word "joy".
Exorcise Your Personal Ghosts
This one I learned from Aaron Doughty. It’s powerful.
Is a kind of journaling. But it’s more focused. Pick one scene that you already know it disturbs you when it crosses your mind, one that triggers strong negative emotions.
Write a letter to the person. Tell them why you are angry, or disappointed, or ashamed, or ask for forgiveness if that’s the case. If you are angry at yourself, ask yourself for forgiveness.
Reframe the situation: try to see what is the good side of it, what did you gain from the challenging situation, what did you learn. Reframe in a way that supports you.
Wrap the paper and watch it burn. It is very liberating. Really. It takes away resentment. Ashes to ashes. Very cathartic.
Learn how to meditate
Really. Meditation is the most effective way to disclosure hidden emotions and to observe your thoughts. When you meditate you find information inside of you.
If it becomes a habit you‘ll find yourself during the day questioning some of your own reactions – because you’re observing them. In a more advanced phase, you will actually have more control over your emotions– which is the big issue here.
If you find it hard to stay still, or maybe you get a little anxious: try breathwork which is a form of active meditation, only you are focused on your breathing and on what happens in your body while doing it.
Is awesome to ground yourself. If you do it before sleep, it helps to discharge negative emotions accumulated throughout the day.
If, by any chance, you want to reprogram your mind: is possible.
Your subconscious mind rules 95% of your decisions. Whether you know what is in there or not. So it’s worth knowing what your program is if you want to realign some facets of yours along with your goals
And if you want to change some aspect of yours or inculcate some new beliefs that support what you want to achieve are 3 ways of doing it in the adult phase:
- Practice and repetition
- Energy psychology
The Goal Is To Get Better Every Day!
Hey! I'm Eunice Veloso and you'll find more about me on my About Page
Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
The Law of the Conservation of Mass