How to survive the end of a relationship?
First of all, you’ve got to let it dry within you.
A relationship doesn't end when two people separate: a relationship ends when there’s no emotional cord bonding between those two people.
And that can happen before or after the actual ending.
To survive the end of it, you must let it dry inside you. And let it heal.
Otherwise, it will feel like a slow burn. Slow death, open bleeding wound.
Sounds cruel? Things are what they are.
It is like a wound: leave it in the open air and let it heal with oxygen, just like flesh wounds.
Sounds dramatic? But it feels like a death because it actually is: the death of a concept of you.
But mark this well: a concept of you.
Is not you as whole.
It is just one of the infinit concepts of you that you materialized. Is the death of that.
It is not the death of you. As so many times mentioned on his blog: you (and each one of us) are a universe.
You. in that relationship, are just a reflection of a part of you – big or small. Only you know.
The self-pity trapp: avoid it. Fiercelly
It takes two to make a love relationship. It also takes two to mess it up.
Maybe you’ve become competitors, enemies instead of partners.
So: regardless of ”who messed up more than who”, when a relationship ends is painful for everyone involved.
If we’re talking about long-term relationships: dreams, and expectations may die with it. It’s all blues.
You’re going to feel sorry for yourself: cursing luck, destiny, the gods above, your ancestors' curses… Whatever
Just cry and mourn. Allow yourself to do that.
But by all means: never, ever, fall into the self-pity trap.
It’s a failed relationship? No.
The opposite of failure is a success.
“Failure” is an undervalued concept, and “success” is a prostituted word. Concepts.
Both have the meaning that you give to them.
You can look at failure as a learning process and success as something that makes you happy and fulfilled. Isn’t that lighter and nicer?
This is not sugar-coating.
It was not a failed relationship: it was a learning process in your life.
You learned about yourself, about your strengths and weaknesses, and you learned how people can go the highest and the lowest of themselves. Including you.
But if you start in the “self-pity journey” you are not being fair to yourself.
You might feel tempted to believe “everything happens to me“ or "this is the luck I have”…
No. Not if you don’t want it.
You deserve to have fulfilling relationships. Your island bliss. But one doesn’t “have” a good relationship: one builds a good relationship.
In order to attract the right people to build good relationships, start working on yourself.
Become a person you would like to date. Become a person you’d be amazed by. Become the person you would respect-
And is not narcissism: this is self-love.
Once you find how to truly love yourself better: you’ll set healthier boundaries and give a clear sign to others of how you like and deserve to be treated.
That’s why self-pity is the mental place to avoid: it will rob you of a better new beginning, a better possible version of yourself.
So you might as well believe it.
The rebound relationship: another trapp to avoid. Fiercelly.
No doubt that is all very painful. Including dealing with the pain.
Some people might need to search for outside ears, to find some clarity.
Others need to go inside. Retreat.
Whatever suits you better: do it.
As long as you listen to your inner voice, the most important voice you’ll ever have at your disposal if willing to really listen to it.
Is the voice that talks about who you really are, beyond the projected image of what you really need to work on, what really brings you joy.
To avoid feeling the pain you might feel tempted to find some “distraction”: a rebound relationship.
You’ll only attract scavengers kind of people, who will feel you’re vulnerability and will take advantage of that.
You, on the other side, you’ll get what you deserve: being used.
Because you're placing yourself in a position of using someone else to mask your own pain.
Unfair for both. Or: mighty fair.
You’ll find a reverse version of yourself. The same using intention beneath.
Ok: is very good to lean on someone when you’re down. But not on a base of users.
And those are the people that will hold a special place in your heart: the ones who lend you a helping hand when you needed.
Just make sure that your intentions are clean and don’t mask your griefing pain with the false intention of wanting a relationship with one good foundation. Just because one can't handle dealing with the pain.
Eventually, it will fall down: everyone suffers, and nothing remains but harsh lessons. And there you go suffering again.
And if you don’t learn at first that rebound relationships only bring suffering, and the remains don't even leave you with solid good emotional memories: you will repeat again, and again, and again… ‘till you learn.
Up to now, the only thing it was mentioned is what not to do.
Then: what should you do, to deal with the ending of a relationship?
What to do then?
#1 Learn to spend time in solitude.
Solitude is not loneliness: is spending quality time alone with yourself, doing things that make you feel good and build you up, that nourish your soul and/or your body.
This is very hard in the beginning but will prevent you from running to and using some other arms to avoid the inevitable pain.
Eventually, the pain will come to double or more.
Take this opportunity to get more intimate with yourself and expand yourself. Inside out.
What's that instrument you would have loved to learn when you were a kid? Learn now.
This was just an example: explore new things, learn new things. Expose yourself to new constructive experiences that expand the “you” and what you can do on your own.
And in your time alone: take time to know yourself (meditation is a gold tool here, to balance your emotions, and learn to listen to your thoughts beneath your thoughts and regulate the inner critic.
Nurture yourself by doing things that you love.
#2 Define a healthy morning routine
Why is this important? Because if you're mourning a relationship, that its probably on your mind – night and day.
If you define and do a morning routine: awakening hour, exercise, morning meditation...
Whatever you think of a healthy morning routine will help you ground yourself in the morning.
And start the day in the best possible mood.
#3 Define an healthy evening routine.
Some people give more value to the morning routine rather than the might routine. But actually: your next day can be a lot more improved just by sleeping better.
Use your imagination: journal your perfect life, so you can go to bed with the images of that fantastic life to become.
Breathwork makes miracles for you to sleep and stimulate your pineal gland: that has a saying in your serotonin, and melatonin production. It will help you keep physical and emotional balance.
#4 Don’t treat your ex like a friend. That’s another trapp
Some people just know, from forever, that being friends with an ex: is a No Go.
Others only learn after paying some kind of price, charged by life. And want to create some sort of new age of relationships and enjoy believing that it might be possible to maintain a friendship with an ex.
Let’s say it’s possible, very rare cases: but most of the time it might not work out.
There’s always one person that, secretly, wants to make a turnback and will sabotage any intent you have to move on or have another relationship. That person might be you or not.
Either case: make sure that you have learned and understood what ended and why it ended. If still you want a comeback: just make sure that you get a restart based on honesty, to correct what was done wrong before.
Take it slow if that’s the case.
#5 If you have trustworthy friends: lean on them. If you don’t: make sure that you can count on yourself
If you want to check if the people you surround yourself with are trustworthy: ensure there is equal give and take. That means you have to do your share of giving and take too.
Otherwise: it is a toxic relationship.
So if you have trustworthy people lean on them. Just make sure you give back too.
If there’s no one to lean on: you’ll have to count on yourself.
What you feed off is essential to find some balance:
- What you read and watch
- Who do you listen to
- What you listen to
- What you eat
- What you drink
- Who you exchange energy with
Help yourself: useless to say that resorting to alcohol, other drugs or attaching yourself to any addiction will only drag you down even more.
Try to nourish yourself, in a comprehensive and healthy way. Be kind to yourself.
Getting Better Every Day
Hey! I'm Eunice Veloso and you'll find more about me on my About Page
Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
The Law of the Conservation of Mass