Relationships. Life revolves around relationships: with yourself, and with others. That’s why having your emotional boundaries well set is important: it becomes your emotional fortress.
Letting other people know your boundaries is also vital.
The reason most people cross other peoples’ boundaries, is because they might not be very clear.
Except for narcissists (or even psychopaths): these people simply treat other people as territory to be invaded. Their all living and socializing is about breaking down people's boundaries if they have them.
And if people have no boundaries - is just an easy task for narcissists. You become their territory with practically no resistance from your part.
1. Having Boundaries Is Useful
Having boundaries is useful.
Letting other people know your boundaries, is very useful. Save a lot of misunderstanding.
Problems are onshore if you are a very empathetic person. Way too empathetic. Eventually an empath. The same risk is to a person with people-pleasing traits, a person who believes they have to agree on everything, in order to be loved in return.
You need to find personal strategies.
Because this whole thought and feeling that “We are all one” might get you physically and mentally sick. Very disoriented. Because you struggle in identifying what are your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs from other people's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.
If you’re an empath, is not about being too influenceable: is about you being an emotional sponge.
Boundaries in these cases (and for any other person) are tools, a survivors tool, to protect you from yourself and from those trojan-people (flesh and blood malware, toxic people, narcissists): so you know where those people end and where you begin.
2. Want To Survive In A Narcissist World Without Becoming One? Set Yourself Healthy Boundaries.
Of course, we’re talking about emotional boundaries, but there are other kinds of boundaries (physical, time, sexual, intellectual, and material boundaries)
The best way to identify the existence, deficiency, or non-existence of boundaries is on the results: your relationships – family, friends, love coworkers relationships.
Rigid, Open, and Healthy Boundaries
May not be the same for all of your relationships, but it can help you identify some things aspects that might need some work. To improve your relationships: existing ones or in the future to come.
- Others are kept at a very long and safe distance
- Close relationships are very few or even inexistent
- Detached and with a tendency to avoid intimacy in close or intimate relationships
- Close yourself off and not express your needs
- Tendency to overshare personal information with others
- Tendency to seek others' approval, by pleasing others, based on fear of rejection: a weak sense of self-identity
- Difficulty in saying no to others, out of fear of rejection or abandonment
- Feeling responsible for others' happiness
- Getting too involved in others’ problems
- Personal information is shared appropriately and gradually: not too much, not too little, not too soon
- Understands and knows how to communicate personal needs,
- Listen to others but know how to value your own opinions
- Accept when others tell you “no”
Some mirror looking may hurt: but how else can we work on the things that might not be resulting so well in our lives? We have to face our stuff that needs to be worked on…
It’s easy to see that a person with open or loose boundaries is easy prey to toxic people: is kind of a trojan horse you set up for the enemy and the enemy in his case is you.
And a person with rigid boundaries has kind of a closed-door to intimate relationships: live in the fear of trusting others.
Neither paths rigid or open boundaries will lead to fulfilling relationships. You need to be someplace else.
And it’s obvious that the middle path – the one that is not on the extremes, is the healthiest one…
How can we set healthy boundaries to establish and nourish fulfilling relationships?
If you find yourself having the same problems in an eternal loop: only the character changes, but when you analyze it deeply, is the same thing with a different scenario…
You have to come to terms with one fact: the common piece is you. There’s something that you need to realign and you haven’t yet.
No: don’t see it as a defect, but as an area to grow.
The first thing to have in mind: You Are a Priority.
This isn’t about being selfish. This self-love. And if you have people that are counting on you: a team, friends, pets, wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend, kids… You can only be of any good to them if you are well yourself.
So yes: you are a priority to yourself.
Yes: you matter.
Your social environment and familiar background have some weight. The weight that you allow.
Your values are your true compass to set your bounderies
But your values are your true compass. They will help make it easy to say ”yes” or “no” to any situation, to decide.
If your not clear about which are your core values: take some time to clearly identify them. Identify 10. Narrow them to 5. And post it on the fridge. So you can have them always in mind when you make your decisions: small or little.
Get help from a personal coach or counseling, if you find it difficult to do it on your own.
And knowing when to say “yes” and “no” is the major point here: is the carotid artery of setting boundaries to others.
But no one is doomed or fated here: see yourself as a project in constant improvement.
How to set boundaries
Be assertive and kind, at the same time.
Learn to say no. Learn to say no without guilt.
Assertive is all about saying the right thing at the right time. Sometimes when we feel aggressed in some form, might be a challenge, not to react.
Being assertive is not being reactive: is being active. Use the right word, the right strength in the right moment.
If you can add kindness: is a superpower.
Get rid of that, if that’s your habit. Nobody is going to love you more or less, because you say no when is needed.
Fear of being outcasted? Might just be your blessing.
If a person outcasts you because you said “no”: that person doesn’t respect you, your position, or your opinion. Just wants to manipulate you. You are better off away from those people.
Safeguard your spaces
You have the right to have privacy. Even if you are in a long-term relationship.
Of course, this article is pointing to emotional boundaries: but is important to separate personal emails from personal emails, allow yourself to disconnect from your cellphone in your “me-time” periods.
Recognize and honor other people’s boundaries
If you struggle with boundaries issues (over guarded or too loose) due to exposure to any kind of abusive relationship or some traumatizing situation (assault or aggression): you have a mountain to move.
The bravest thing you can do for yourself is a step in, to get assistance from a therapist. A trained professional will help you find ways to address any pattern of behavior that might prevent you from having healthy relationships.
Is a way to “practice what you preach”: recognizing and honoring other peoples' boundaries is a way of teaching others how you would appreciate being treated.
Be Alert To The Red Flags
If you see them: boundaries are about to be pierced)
- If a person has a rush in moving a relation forward: too fast, too soon. Over-familiarity. Regardless of your comfort/discomfort with the course of things. Someone who respects you: acknowledges you, acknowledges your feelings.
- Is not wise to talk too much about the ex's: but to say they were all crazy? Sounds like major gaslighting…
- If rudeness is shown when treating people who serve them somehow.
- If your opinion is not considered or even listened.
- The way anger is expressed, makes you feel unsafe.
- Physical boundaries are pushed in innocent ways. Some people even if they have no intimacy with you, surpass your vital space (normally an arm-distance away): these people literally have boundaries issues or want to intimidate you.
- Constantly finding ways to put you down, even if teasing: to make you feel inferior in some way.
- Need constant assurance. Probably a person that needs exterior validation/opinion to value themselves: put too much power on the hands of others, in what concerns about him/her.
- Can’t manage jealousy. The problem is not the feeling itself: is the way jealousy is managed. Some people blame others for feeling jealousy. Take no accountability on dealing with their own feelings: those blame others instead.
Well: at this stage we’ve all found things to work on: nobody perfect here…
How are we, on this boundaries subject?
Do we need to work on ours, or there’s more need to work on respecting other people’s boundaries?
If you find some points to work on: don’t hide from yourself and sugar-coat your issues. Not if you’ve got to a realization that some issues represent a big obstacle to having fulfilling relationships. Personal or professional.
Finding professional help to overcome these personal obstacles, might be a solution
We’re all here experiencing life: doesn’t have to be an all-time-suffering experience.
Everybody should find fulfillment in their relationships: beginning with the life experience with the self.
Getting Better Every Day
Emotionally “Boundaried” Hugs
Hugs From Body&Soul!
Hey! I'm Eunice Veloso and you'll find more about me on my About Page
Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
The Law of the Conservation of Mass