And Valentine's Day is just around the corner. It may be that it coincides with a time when you must have a serious conversation with yourself and say: “Heal the wound(s), rest, and revitalize yourself.”
Whoever is in a solid relationship or not, satisfactory or not: has someone to direct his affection to. Whether it's true love or not, whether it's superficial affection or not.
Nobody escapes Valentine's Day: marketing is aggressive. It's like Christmas.
And if you don't have a partner: it can be an emotional challenge due to commercial and social pressure, even if only because of aggressive marketing.
If there has been a recent breakup or one less than a year old: this could be the first Valentine's Day without a partner. It could be a Blue Valentine.
Or not. Again, it all depends on the perspective: the glass is half full or half empty. It depends on you, on how you see it.
Blue Valentine? Not necessarily
In Valentine's week, you have 4 options:
1. You are in a relationship and take advantage of the day to show your love, sympathy, or appreciation, whatever the reason that brings you together and keeps you together.
If people are in crisis, avoid pretending that everything is fine: offer your partner a session (or several) of couple counseling, and don't fall into the trap of wanting to solve all the accumulated relationship problems with sex, red wine, and lingerie: the sensation of deceit will be in the moment (as in the previous days) or it will come right after.
2. You are not in a relationship and decide to skip the day.
But you'll have to avoid turning on the television, and the internet, and you should also avoid looking at shop windows: you'll be bombarded with aggressive marketing. Just like Christmas.
3. You're not in a relationship and don't plan on having one anytime soon, but you want to celebrate the day: you can always choose to have a singles party or go on dating sites, so you're not alone on the day.
If you don't intend to have any relationship anytime soon.
4. You're not in a relationship but you want to have a solid relationship like mortar, that makes you feel emotionally safe, loved, and supported in various aspects of your life: Valentine's Day could be the 1st of that out-of-series relationship that you want and deserve just because it crossed your mind. As the song says, if you can conceive it, it's possible to do it.
But first, you need to make sure that the last relationship was well healed: you need to heal the wounds.
Heal the wounds
Do you remember that old saying: dog bites are cured with the hair of the same dog?
Because in relationships it has nothing to do with it. At all.
There are those who jump from one relationship to another to forget the previous one. Some even recommend it. Bad advice. Really bad.
You'll just make an aggregate of mismanaged emotions and unlearned lessons: and jump into the next relationship with the same problems in tow, with nothing to give emotionally, and make exactly the same mistakes that led to a less happy outcome.
Looping of toxic relationships that ends when you learn any life lessons, clear your heart of resentments, and stop taking baggage to the next relationship.
# Heal the wounds to go whole in to the next relationship
But if having company was being difficult, it doesn't mean that being alone is easy. But it may be necessary. It's like a punch in the stomach. (Here are the analogies to domestic violence, which are unacceptable in any context).
But it feels like a fist. Which in reality is a fistful of love. Of self-love.
That is if the objective is to have a relationship that is worth investing time, affection, and vital energy.
It is easy and common to place the blame on the other when a relationship does not work out as initially intended.
But the truth is that if you were in a relationship: you do own part of the responsibility as it evolves. Even if it's to guarantee your states of happiness. Or that you ignored that you need those. And that needs healing.
- What emotional investment did you make right from the start? Was it equal? Or was someone less committed?
- What limits and boundaries were neglected or exceeded? Whether it's on one side or the other?
- Was there a shared vision? Or just adjusted to make believe that it was shared and not being alone? Or even non-existent?
And it is not convenient to move on to what follows, without first letting the dust settle, analyzing the emotional damage, and letting the wounds heal. Heal the wounds.
That is if the aim for the next relationship is to be more rewarding, and less turbulent.
And those who don't learn the first time will walk in repetitive cycles until they decide to sit down and have a conversation alone with themselves.
For this you need to rest: physically and emotionally.
Rest: physically and emotionally
You need to rest physically because emotional grief comes from disappointing situations at a deep level: they tire, drain, and wear you down physically.
Scientists even say it leaves physical damage to the heart.
Emotionally it is draining. We can even pretend that we are fine, but the truth is that we are emotionally drained.
The temptation can be to get “outside” energy: shots of dopamine. This works for a little while. And if you are a narcissist or an emotional vampire: you will always have to depend on some “prey” for your supply.
Furthermore, narcissists or emotional vampires are not looking for rewarding relationships because they know very little about giving affection: they are looking for “hosts”, like any parasite, to siphon life energy.
It gives a person a feeling of being lost inside another. Or out. Depends on who freaks out who.
But we here at Body&Soul are not of that kind.
Here: we are talking about body and soul relationships, not (affective) tapeworm nor (emotional) large intestine relationships.
Therefore: heal the wounds and rejuvenate.
Rejuvenate: reinvent yourself (for yourself and for a true companion)
Cats have seven lives and so do we. If with each emotional “death” we have the ability to reinvent ourselves.
Herculean task? Maybe a little. But it’s worth it for a new life, it’s worth it for an upgraded version of you. Even better.
The secret is in transforming ourselves into what we want to have in our lives.
And since this is love and Valentine's Day we're talking about, the 14th could be the first day of your new relationship.
And your new relationship starts with you.
But even if the person is not part of your daily life. Even if you don't know that person. And if you know the person, it's also worth it: because the changes you make in yourself influence the people around you.
It starts with you: become the person you want to have in your life.
Of course, this will bring about changes around you: some people will naturally move away because they will no longer identify with you.
And that can be a good thing: it means that the people who will approach you, are the ones who identify themeselves with your renewed way of being.
Of course, this is more than a change of look, cosmetic: it involves a change in daily habits. That is being composed of a new way of being and being. The one you visualized for yourself.
And when you look back: you reinvented yourself. And it can all start on a Valentine's Day that could have been a Blue Valentine, but it wasn't, because you decided so.
Getting Better Every Day
Hey! I'm Eunice Veloso and you'll find more about me on my About Page
Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
The Law of the Conservation of Mass