You know, they say and it’s probably true: the best relationships are built on a solid base. And Is not just passion and the goosebumps and the butterfly in the belly, the instant crush, the heat all over…
It has to have friendship in between. Just not too much.
You do want to have a love partner, or actual-something, or future-something, that is also your friend, not an enemy.
What if you stayed too long in the friend period of time: that he/she just can’t see you as a possible-everything?
What if you are caught up in the friendzone?
Even in long-term relationships, is frequent too, the friend-zone type relationship… Well is better than the hate-zone: but lacks in enthusiasm, right?
Hold on, put breaks on it.
Are you in there? In a friend zone?
2. That said… Are you? In A Friend Zone?
Let us say that you have a person in your life that’s gotten used to look at you (people are animals of habits) as a friend. And possibly you were.. in the beginning. Because of many reasons - that only possibly you know. But you don’t feel like a friend anymore. For some time now. Your feelings evolved into something new.
But you are afraid to come out in the open: and “lose” a friend. Or your fear is a worst, bigger ghost: the fear of being rejected. Sounds like a mess it’s on its way
You’re stuck in the friend zone.
But it can also happen in long-term relationships.
You’re settled in a relationship. That’s exactly right: you are settled. In the worst sense possible: because stability is awesome. Sexually bored with your life partner? Isn’t that awesome…
What are the red signs of a dangerous friend zone (because is very probably frustrating for at least one of the parts)?
These are the most common signs of an uncomfortable friendzone:
(Single or married) One says or feels that the other person is like a brother /sister.
(Married): there’s an over-familiarity that crosses the boundaries of personal privacy (for instance: using the toilet to ake the bad-smelling necessities in front of each other, that, by itself, absolutely is a romance-killer; we know, is nature, but it’s basically romance-slaughter). Intimacy between the couple doesn’t mean people aren’t entitled to some basic privacy.
(Married): intimacy happens inside that comfort zone of knowing each other’s habits, just like one knows that habit of the kids, of the dogs, of the cats… but sexual intimacy well… let us say is less than frequent...
(Single): someone consoles the other after breakups.
(Single) : someone always listening to the other talking openly about the ex or other elements they feel attracted to.
All those are red flags. There will probably be more, but it all depends on the stage of the relationship, if you know each other for long and if you are or not pretty close, or if it’s relatively recent …
Anyway, if you are single and want more than just friendship: how do you get out of the friend zone?
3. Want More Than “Just Friends”? (And You’re Single) How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone
You have to face one of two possibilities:
Possibility One - There's definitely some sexual tension in between you two, then is just a matter of time until you both align intentions and work the way out of the friend zone;
Possibility Two - You’re not sure if the other part actually feels attracted to you, or if he/she even considers a possibility.
Situation A) is not a concern here because, if people are mature enough, no games will be played: is just a matter of creating conditions to confidently open to each other.
Situation B) might not be so clear. So: before anything else, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. And analyze your true feelings.
Step 1 - Analyze Your Feelings
Sometimes is just competition. Is not that you really want her/him, but if you see someone interested you get jealous… Is that friend jealousy or love jealousy?
So you're sure: is not alpha-game, nor hormones overflow. Your feelings are stronger than you expected or intended. You decided to take your chance. You can’t just jump and risk a friendship based on shallow self-centered feelings, that in the mid-run: will be your loss.
Because if it is a friend you’re talking about – and good friendships are hard to build – you’re not putting that at stake, just because hormones talked too loud or because you want to play alpha-male or alpha-female…
Before anything else: get in tune with your own feelings. To understand if there's really more to it.
Step 2 - Flirt and show you’re worth the risk
Once you decided that your feelings support your intention: go get it.
Flirt a bit just to prepare the “environment” so she/he get incited by the idea, just in case it didn’t cross at mind yet.
Maybe your person will find herself in this stage of “Can’t get you out of my head” … Who knows?
Step 3 Tell her/ him
Manly. Or womanly. Just say what you’re feeling. Say what you mean. Express yourself.
Step 4 - Give space
Might be a surprise. Might be something expected: give room. So the other side can consider the pros- and the cons: after all, is a friendship that is at stake here. Nobody enjoys losing friends. You only take a stand for higher reasons.
Step 5 - Be ready for the reaction
If the answer is yes: congratulations. You gave a step forward into a relationship that has many chances to succeed: the main ingredients are there: friendships and passion/attraction. The rest: only time and the effort you both put in. will tell.
In case the answer is no: just accept and move on.
Don’t be go self-pitying yourself about rejection: take it as someone who didn't fully appreciate you. And you deserve some who does.
And don't go “thinking I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have said anything and we would just keep on being friends… What friend? Certainly not you: because you weren’t there anymore, would be just faking and heaving to deal in a nearby future with a possible love of your friend: and have to digest the romance. You would be a fake friend.
Better off and far away. From the eyes and from the heart. At least while rejection and the friend-state-transition is still fresh.
Yes: you are entitled to self-love and keep your energy in a good place.
4. You’re Married to Each Other, But F*cking Tired Of Feeling Siblins With Your Partner?
Maybe the family enterprise is taking too much out of you – financial management, concerns, obligations, kids … Yes family is an enterprise that needs management.
And o does time to romance a little with your counterpart… Schedule it if needed.
Seems a little less romantic? Well, treat it as a well-being priority, for the couple.
And honor that time you have for each other: as if you were dating to seduce. Yes: the idea is to seduce.
And your intimacy (and if you can afford a spare room in the house)? Prepare that space as the sanctuary of love. And only love gets in that room: no fights, no arguments, no “this morning resentment”, no complaints: a space where you can show how much you appreciate each other”. And no one is allowed to interrupt you unless is an emergency: make it that sacred.
Don’t wait till you’re in the mood: create the mood. That’s why this all thing of scheduling is for, to mark in your minds that: it’s important, it’s a priority, it’s couples time, it’s your time.
Of course, that’s meant for people who can use some spice and couple intimacy.
But not all relationships are the same and some can have been built, molded in a friend-sibling kind of relationship: that’s fine too. As long as both are on the same page. But both have to be on the same page, so both will find fulfillment within the relationship.
Because if the couple is not in the same page and one of you resents the lack of romance or passion, might as well face it: readjust the couple agreement otherwise some might go and try to find that passion or romance somewhere else.
Remember “for better or worse” vows? This might be one of those situations that are not the worse but might be heading there: correct the course sooner than later.
Get professional help, couples therapy, or counseling.
Getting family involved might not be in the couple’s best interest: a counselor will be paid to be impartial.
And every one that got married wants to grow old together right? Make the aging together, a pleasant journey.
Getting Better Every Day
Hey! I'm Eunice Veloso and you'll find more about me on my About Page
Antoine Lavoisier, 1789
The Law of the Conservation of Mass